I couldn’t quite get my head straight at work this week. You have ‘on it’ and ‘off it’ days right? I am a bit preoccupied at the moment…it’s probably just that. But from the moment of conception off-days or daffy moments are put down to baby brain. There has been no goody-gobbling foetus in my womb for 2.7years. No tiny creature has suckled on my teets for 2.4yrs and I have a robot chip in my arm (the contraceptive implant) that leaves me 99% sure I haven’t got a sneaky new passenger.
So, when I put the sugar in the fridge, smash a wine bottle on the counter and drive my car into a pile of bricks… I am just an @rse. A sleep deprived one who has perma-lists in their head: make snack pot for bear, buy pants for gumdrops, post Ebay packages, book dentist and optician, organise childcare for both so I can go for a hospital appointment, buy some actual food and get to work before 9am. So I’m a busy @rse with a small splintered brain.
I worked through both pregnancies and found it incredibly frustrating when colleagues would say ‘oops baby brain’ about any minor slip of the tongue or trip on the stair. I hated the idea that being pregnant made me weaker or somehow diminished in their eyes. I am lion hear me roar!
Men have off days too surely?
- Putting keys/wallet/phone down on entering the house all in separate places and blaming wife/child/mouse for moving them all in the night
- Leaving the house and coming back 1) for train ticket 2) for phone 3) for keys
- Going to the shops and bringing home bread, beer and chilli peanuts but no loo roll or milk
- Repeatedly banging head on the same beam in the loft and swearing
If I had the actual brain of a baby …
- I would sleep all day and wake every 2-3 hours in the night for food – yup sounds ace
- Food and drink would be given to me on tap and fattening me up actively encouraged – pretty sweet
- I would receive constant love, affection, attention, care and admiration – I’m sold
- I wouldn’t be able to communicate any of my needs – not good
- I would constantly wee and poo myself and would therefore need a giant adult nappy – bad times
Ok so, no, I do not have and do not want a baby brain (although someone to feed me on tap and to switch on my leccy blanket would be nice). What I would really love is a kick-ass P.A., a spa day and a glass of wine that hasn’t come from a 4 week old bottle.