My new Best Mum Friend has given me 3 months’ notice. She is stepping out of the part-time working mum chaos into the bat shit crazy world of the SAHM. Call me paranoid but I’ve reached the illogical conclusion she will no longer seek solace in my manic company. You can read more here
To prepare myself for this eventuality I’ve organised a little questionnaire (sort of like online dating) in my quest to replace my perfectly imperfect mum friend.
A) Fine thanks, how are you?
B) “Urgh knackered, one too many proseccos and had a row with him indoors”. Everyone loves a bit of over-sharing don’t they?
Usual chat on a night out:
A) Discuss latest behavioural issues (he shouted no when I offered a Peppa Pig yoghurt) and ill health of dahlings
B) Share deeply inappropriate stories about yourself and family that make you look ridiculous. We do love a good laugh at how crap we are, especially when friends join in.
Sign of a great night out
A) Managed to pay less than everyone else, not drinking – training for next triathlon.
B) Giant hangover and vague memories of chatting about manscaping (apparently this is a thing?)and the persistent neglect of lady gardens and marital duties. Barf.
How’s your time-keeping on the school run/baby massage/Monkey Music?
A) I leave at exactly the same time and allow an additional 10 minutes to find a convenient parking spot, I hate a rush.
B) As erratic as British tennis. Sometimes a miracle occurs and I am BG* (I never cease to be shocked by this occurrence). Usual ETA is 2 minutes before the bell. A few stressful AG*moments.
On arrival at kids parties/school gates/baby classes do you tend to be:
A) Calm and demure. If someone smiles I’ll smile back.
B) Chaotic and dramatic, think Eddie and Patsy from Ab Fab (bag swinging, phone dropping, smelling of poo/sour milk or vodka).
A) I’m no Annabel Karmel, but lay on a home-made pizza making activity for the kids (wholemeal pitta) and a slice of my lemon drizzle cake for parents.
B) McVitie for the mum and waffles, beans and sausages for the kids with Mini-Milk chasers.
What do you chat about on a mum/play date?
A) Ask how Tillie’s cough is and whether Dylan is sleeping better now?
B) Throw a liberal few swears around while pouring our tea (if you throw the F and C you’re a friend for life. I love to be shocked) accompanied by mild criticism of husband washed down with a lot of self-flagellation.
What do you do in your spare time?
A) I like to get out for an early morning jog, it starts my day right. In the evenings I will either work on my tapestry or the paintings I’m doing for the kids.
B) Piss off, are you joking? I’ve had no concept of time that is ‘spare’ for over 4 years. Does pilates followed by a glass of wine count?
How would you describe your general appearance/presentation?
A) Groomed, I can’t leave the house without make up. Sometimes I cheat and wear my gym kit on the school run.
B) I look hygienic if a little shambolic. On days ending in a Y I confess to a slight hangover first thing, but last night’s eyeliner will see me through.
What would other people say about your kids?
A) Very sweet and well behaved.
B) Kids frequently seen running off, throwing a wobbly or being pacified with a packet of Pom Bears. One word? Feral.
What’s your favourite crafting activity with the kids?
A) Hard to pick a favourite, probably making collages from magazine cuttings or creating coloured-glass windows.
B) Oh FFS are you trying to make me feel even worse? When nagged enough I’ll drag out the cracked fluffy Play-doh and shout at them for making a ‘snow-storm’ on my floor with it.
Hardest part of motherhood?
A) There are tough moments, but I just feel so blessed.
B) It begins between 5.30 – 6.30am and ends around 7.30-8.30am if we’re lucky.
* Before Gates Vs After Gates
How did you do?
Mostly As – You are a gift to motherhood. You are idealised and revered by all those in group B (mostly). You are a jogging, crafting, healthy-cooking, happy-living dynamo. Make sure you give yourself a break and there’s nothing wrong with telling the truth sometimes – we all have shitty days. Us B’s need you to balance us out and give us something to aim for. Stay classy.
Mostly Bs – So glad I’m not out there all alone. Mwah, I love you all.
Elusive Cs – It is possible to be a mix of both. This is probably the Holy Grail. You should blog about it!
The mums that make even me feel a smidge good about myself …
– Let their children pee by a tree/wall right in front of the school. They are not dogs, not always.
– Park right up on the curb so you can’t get past with your buggy (tempted to scratch it but is had been me once in an emergency = extremus tardyusness).
– Play DVDs in the car and Frozen on the iPhone 90% of time (I only do the latter about 20% on a good day -smug- unless we are on a 13 hour drive to Ireland = divorce grounds).
– Let their kids shout at them. I may be slummy but I ain’t sufferin’ no fools. No baby gonna put me in my place.
– Frequently end up in A&E. This is not kind. But it only makes me feel a fraction better about the NHS resources used up on a phantom swallowed coin (the queens head did show up blackened in the pan 5 days later. Treason not intended, sorry Your Maj).
Y’all don’t need to fill in the quiz, I already love you for being renegade screw-ups.